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Blackout
Eagle Nebula
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Rewriting Dialog

by Blackout Sat Sep 05, 2015 6:21 pm

Reading over the cut-scenes multiple times in Rearmed, I've sometimes the urge to revise what had been said in order to make it flow more smoothly, however, I am not able to make such changes. I haven't had early access since the beginning, but I have had it long enough (as well having watched the game-play through various Youtube videos)to discern that most of the text of the cut-scenes had been written many months ago(if not, longer) and left alone in favor of giving attention to other aspects of the game. This is completely understandable, as dialog is not one of the higher priorities pertaining to Rearmed, however, good dialog is hard to write for anyone. I'm not saying that the dialog in Rearmed is bad, but like I said before, there are some parts that just stick out as could be worded better.

This is my go at editing the dialog of the first cut-scene in Rearmed, and possible future revisions of other dialog in the game. The text on the left-hand side of the divider is the original and the right-hand side the revised. I've marked added, deleted, and exchanged words throughout each line with bold.

Intro: The Rebel Army has fallen... | (line deleted)
Not needed if followed by the alternative of the next line.


Intro: and in the final moments... | and in the final moments.../Five years ago...
"5 years ago" is closer to the original game, as well as further conveys the sense that Lone Warrior had lost everything at the hands of Vandheer, that anything Vandheer had not taken from him that had remained has been lost in time, leaving everything LW had known and loved, as well as any connections, lost in the past.


Vandheer Lorde: I, King Vandheer, have won this war. | The rebel commander has fallen at last.
The original statement screams exposition, almost to the point of being cringe-worthy, not to mention servers to aid in demystifying the cut-scene and Vandheer as a character(something the original game did well). The revision is closer to the original game without the somewhat awkward wording.


Vandheer Lorde: Surrender yourself to my sword, Rebel Scum. | Kneel before my blade, rebel scum.
Stronger and more smooth, as well as grammatically correct. I can see why "Rebel Scum" is capitalized, but the capitalization of the first letters of each carries a sense of respect to Lone Warrior from Vandheer rather than just the mere irritation he is to Vandheer.


Lone Warrior: This battle is NOT over! | This battle is NOT over, Vandheer!
A more subtle way to inform the reader of his adversary.


Lone Warrior: I will never surrender! | I will never surrender!

Vandheer Lorde: You're a dead fool. | You are a dead fool.
Sounds more like Vandheer(but what do I know? I didn't create him).


Vandheer Lorde: This war changes nothing. | Your war changes nothing.
Adds emphasis to that this was Lone Warrior's effort and great failure.


Vandheer Lorde: I will rule forever. | My reign shall last forever./I shall reign forever./I shall rule forever.
"Shall" is stronger than "will" and "reign" is somewhat stronger than "rule". "Reign" also more so implies kingship, something that not would be as clearly established with the revision of the original opening quote by Vandheer.


Lone Warrior: Your wicked ways will meet an end! Vandheer! | Your wicked ways will meet an end, Vandheer!
The phrase used in the original game, as well as a more fitting word choice for Vandheer(in my opinion).


Vandheer Lorde: Right... | Perhaps...(extended duration of dialog)
The phrase used in the original game, as well as a more fitting word choice for Vandheer(in my opinion).


Vandheer Lorde: ...Until then, return to the BlackMist from which you came! |Until then, return to the black mist from where you once came!
I always thought "black mist" referred to the essence/material whereas "Blackmist" refers to the being or personality that is the god of the universe. Please correct me if I'm wrong. "Where" seems to carry a more mysterious connotation with it than "which", as well as flows smoother. Adding "once" isn't very significant, except that it's closer to the original game, and as a result, flows more smoothly with those having played the original.

--
All changes are subject to revision. Feel free to post your own as well as any criticism of mine(feel free to steal from mine, but count on me taking from yours if I like it enough ;) ).
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