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 Post subject: Aww4 PAGE 5!!!
PostPosted: Fri Feb 17, 2012 11:49 am 
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Not sure if it's supposed to be put here, but i think it's appropriate since you guys all asked for it

so here it is...

Armed with Wings
4
[Return of Whitemist]
Page 5

"WAIT!" Hawken yelled in fear, Vandheer put his hands down and the Energy sphere's slowly faded
"What do you want, i'll, i'll give you anything" He pleaded
Vandheer didn't know what to say, he was shocked, the once proud Imperial Guard
and ruthless warrior now stood before him begging for mercy.
"What is this!?" Vandheer growled
"This........Hahahahaha, This, is your end, Vandheer Lorde the Second!"
Hawken's arm stretches out and his skin begins to peel off, the Warrior's small chuckle now a maniac's chorus
of Madness.
Hawken's hand started to spark small bursts of lightning
the ground began to shake and Vandheer re-charged his spheres,
However, he wasn't fast enough, hawken shot out a blast of moving Electricity from his hand
and Vandheer was thrown right from the building, down to the depths below, the underground sewers of the Blackmist Kingdom
Vandheer's seemingly lifeless body collided with the ground sending a loud tune throughout the quiet and isolated sewer tunnels.



His eyes began to open, his body felt heavy and weak, the fall had injured him, but only a little.
Using what strength he had left in his arms for the time-being; he dragged himself off the ground to rest against the tunnel walls.
"....Dammit, the way i came in is too high up, so unless i can grow wings and fly, i'll have to find another way out of these sewers."

Eivana cautiously approached her unconcious son where he lay
"-sigh- My son, My dear child, why couldn't you simply understand?"
She then picked up Leo and craddled him in her arms as she walked back down the stairs and towards the village.

A shadowy figure watched in the distance still, and undisturbed
"The perfect candidate"
it mumbled in a vicious snake-like voice, before fading into the darkness
and vanishing.

As Eivana reached the village she was passed by some of it's warriors, they looked distressed
and injured
"Soldiers halt!" Eivana spoke firmly
the soldiers stopped in their tracks and turned to Salute her
"At ease, regale me, what is going on?, what happened?"
The soldiers captain stepped fourth and explained to Eivana that one of the refugee camps to the East had been attacked
and the culprits are thought to be Soldiers of the Blackmist Kingdom.

"Impossible, while they have caused us some trouble before; they've never openly attacked us like this."
"As i suspected" spoke a voice from behind the Soldiers
"I imagine the current leader of the Blackmist kingdom is none other than my late Subordinate"
A man with Long straightened hair and a scarf stepped forward
"Ah, Vincent, i thought you were with Leo this morning..?" Eivanna asked curiously
Vincent put his hands on his hip and replied "Hmm, I 'was', said he wanted to do some exploring.
But, judging by the fact you're currently carrying him and he's unconcious, i pressume his 'exploring' didn't go too well at all."

"Leo's current state is nothing to concern yourself with, he fainted is all, too much sun i guess.
Now, you were saying something about your 'subordinate' correct?"
Eivana placed Leo down on a nearby bench
"I believe you are intimately familiar with him...."
Vincent said as he approached Eivana
"Let's talk inside, i need to lay leo down anyway."
Eivana picked up Leo again and her and Vincent walked back to her house.

(There you go Members of Sun-studio's forum, Consider it a farewell gift until i'm able to get internet access again, i'm leaving on Sat.
And just for the hell of it, I dedicate this page to................Daniel Sun, OMG!
(You thought it was going to be one of you guys, didn't ya! XD)

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 Post subject: Re: Aww4 PAGE 5!!!
PostPosted: Fri Feb 17, 2012 1:52 pm 
Black Mist
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Posts: 1579
Location: Romania
:twisted: ....I thought it wasss...oh well....ME of course....but well nice story :twisted: ...before you return again I will already overthrow you and I will becaume the god of all living things :twisted:

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 Post subject: Re: Aww4 PAGE 5!!!
PostPosted: Fri Feb 17, 2012 6:12 pm 
Black Mist
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Posts: 1079
you and nameless1 should have a battle for best storyteller. good stuff......

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 Post subject: Re: Aww4 PAGE 5!!!
PostPosted: Fri Feb 17, 2012 8:35 pm 
Nebula
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Posts: 371
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At the risk of upsetting a mod, have a critique.

Punctuation: You need to get things straight with the your apostrophes ("spheres" not "sphere's)

Capitalization: energy and electricity shouldn't be capitalized (i have this problem from time to time as well)

Tenses: For the love of god, please be consistent with them. Your current tenses are really messed up, here's an example.

The man slashed at his rival who ducks and raises his arm for a punch (see the problem? You're switching from past to present then back to past)

Formatting: I don't really know what you're doing with the enter key but for the most part you should only be spacing down whenever a new person talks during dialogue.

Example:

"What are you doing here James?" Alex asked in surprise. (oh yeah, actions have a period at the end, they ARE sentences after all)

"Who me? I just thought I'd go for a walk, it never hurts to get some fresh air once in a while." James said with a smile, he hadn't expect Alex to be here, he was usually at work this time of the day. "Anyways, I could ask the same of you? Shouldn't you be at work right now?"

"I'm on break, so I figured I'd walk around the city a bit."

"Obviously, why else would you be walking around in a back alley like this one?"

bluhbluhbluh you get the picture.

I'll be honest, your writing needs a lot of work. PERSEVERE! You'll get better with practice.

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 Post subject: Re: Aww4 PAGE 5!!!
PostPosted: Fri Feb 17, 2012 11:43 pm 
Black Mist
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your giving him the tools necessary to..... usurp your throne.... this is a battle for the ages.

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 Post subject: Re: Aww4 PAGE 5!!!
PostPosted: Wed Mar 07, 2012 12:32 am 
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Nameless 1, i agree with your critic completely.
Writting's not really my strong point.
hence why i draw XD

and Cosminel, i'm already back you limp dick shit-face...
(I'm joking of course)

But i am back, will prob use the net once every week...

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 Post subject: Re: Aww4 PAGE 5!!!
PostPosted: Thu Mar 08, 2012 9:28 am 
Black Mist
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Joined: Fri Apr 23, 2010 8:14 am
Posts: 1579
Location: Romania
Nameless1 wrote:
At the risk of upsetting a mod, have a critique.

Punctuation: You need to get things straight with the your apostrophes ("spheres" not "sphere's)

Capitalization: energy and electricity shouldn't be capitalized (i have this problem from time to time as well)

Tenses: For the love of god, please be consistent with them. Your current tenses are really messed up, here's an example.

The man slashed at his rival who ducks and raises his arm for a punch (see the problem? You're switching from past to present then back to past)

Formatting: I don't really know what you're doing with the enter key but for the most part you should only be spacing down whenever a new person talks during dialogue.

Example:

"What are you doing here James?" Alex asked in surprise. (oh yeah, actions have a period at the end, they ARE sentences after all)

"Who me? I just thought I'd go for a walk, it never hurts to get some fresh air once in a while." James said with a smile, he hadn't expect Alex to be here, he was usually at work this time of the day. "Anyways, I could ask the same of you? Shouldn't you be at work right now?"

"I'm on break, so I figured I'd walk around the city a bit."

"Obviously, why else would you be walking around in a back alley like this one?"

bluhbluhbluh you get the picture.

I'll be honest, your writing needs a lot of work. PERSEVERE! You'll get better with practice.


fuck all the grammaaaaaaar :twisted:

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 Post subject: Re: Aww4 PAGE 5!!!
PostPosted: Fri Mar 09, 2012 6:20 pm 
Nebula
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You said "grammar" instead of "grammer". This pleases me immensely

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 Post subject: Re: Aww4 PAGE 5!!!
PostPosted: Fri Mar 09, 2012 7:53 pm 
Black Mist
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Nameless1 wrote:
You said "grammar" instead of "grammer". This pleases me immensely

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and the corect form it's grammar not grammer :D

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 Post subject: Re: Aww4 PAGE 5!!!
PostPosted: Tue Mar 13, 2012 1:49 pm 
Ultra Nova
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I think it's missing something... graymist...


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 Post subject: Re: Aww4 PAGE 5!!!
PostPosted: Tue Apr 10, 2012 9:07 am 
Black Mist
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Joined: Sun Nov 21, 2010 2:32 pm
Posts: 893
Location: Hong Kong
Ha!
It had been ages since you have developed the AWW4 Story!

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